the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
