i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
