i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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