1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
