Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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