dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
