i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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