Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
