I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
