You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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