if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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