I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
