why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
