just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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