pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I met the friendliest cop last night
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
