He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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