i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
