i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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