I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
