Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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