Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
