I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
