I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
