She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
