at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
