He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
