My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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