Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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