Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
