the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
