She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I'm really busy with my period
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