dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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