I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
