someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
