my phone needs a breathalizer
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
