i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
