if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
