there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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