Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
