i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
