He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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