Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
