she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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