So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
