and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
