I am in a vortex of obligation.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
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