did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
