found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Just pee around me
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
