Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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