I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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